Thursday, March 21, 2013

Setting aside dreams for motherhood?


I should preface this by saying that these are thoughts running through my mind, not necessarily whines/vents...

We all know that motherhood involves sacrifices, but how many dreams have you set aside when faced with just how much motherhood has changed your life?

When I got pregnant with Bebe, I had only become a youth minister a year and a half earlier. When I got pregnant with her, I had only been at the parish I was at for six months. If you remember, Bebe is a honeymoon baby. It didn't take long after D and I got married for the rumor mill to start that I was pregnant and leaving, and they were right (sort of). I was determined to remain a youth minister after having Bebe. Since my job was only 20 hours/week (probably 16-18 in the office and the rest with the teens) I figured, "It's doable." I asked if I could bring her with me when I worked in the office, and that request was granted. I set up a Pack N Play and a bouncer in my office (which was like a giant living room), hung a privacy sign on the door when I was nursing, and ATTEMPTED to work.Only, the problem was, most days I wasn't getting work done. I was torn between my child and my job. I had to schedule our youth nights when D wasn't working or had school. I felt like I was giving neither 100%. At about the time when Bebe got mobile, a new priest took over the parish where I worked. He walked into my office and said, "Is this a daycare?" I knew then my days were numbered. They decided to create a full-time position, and I was welcome to apply for it, but it was not automatically mine. I applied and interviewed, but left knowing that it wasn't for me. I had nothing to show for the year I'd been there, so I gracefully bowed out. It was hard, leaving youth ministry behind. I was juggling so much on my plate (a small, refluxy child, a husband who worked odd hours between working FT and being in school FT, we only had one car until Bebe was 5 months old, etc.) I know I NEEDED to, but I still often think back on it. How could I  

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