Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I fell off the face of the Earth.

But I'm back! Hopefully I haven't lost ALL of my readers.

Finding a work-life-mother-wife-BLOGGER balance has proved to be difficult.I just can't find the time. I wonder how other mom bloggers do it. Schedule it into their day? Blog during their 10-minute break at work? Get up early just to blog?

Last week was the most insane week ever. I had a really wacky schedule (worked 9-2, then 5:30-9) every single day. It was chaotic with the kids schedules, I felt like I never really saw them until I was shooing them to bed, and Dois had a really hard time with me picking him up from daycare only to turn around and drop him in someone else's arms for a few hours. I am SO glad it's over with.

In general I have just felt burnt out lately. I'm always on the move. My to-do list is always longer than the amount of minutes in a day. I feel like I'm "not enough" in so many respects...

Last night, on my "night off" (the night when D takes the kids while I go out and do whatever), I decided to go see The Hunger Games at the $3 theater in town. I devoured the books in a week and loved them, and was curious about the movie. I knew it wouldn't be as good as the books. Harry Potter taught me that (specifically, the last Harry Potter movie--when reading the book my heart was pounding with excitement while I read through The Battle of Hogwarts, but the movie failed to capture the action, suspense, and excitement as well). I knew I wouldn't be on the edge of my seat, but I hoped for at least a good show. It was just OK. I think what's bugging me lately is how cinematography has changed (and in my eyes, not for the better). Looking at movies from the 70s and 80s if a movie had a battle scene they actually showed the battle... it seems like lately whenever I watch a movie that has a lot of fighting action in it, all the cameraman really does is sway his camera left, right, up, down, back, forth, whatever, while noises of fights and glimpses of skin pass by. It's rather nauseating. And it makes me think the director must not be too good if he can't capture action, suspense, etc. without shaking things up like that.

Oh well, it was nice to have a few hours of uninterrupted movie-watching. I need to take myself to the movies more often!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Some days I really don't feel "mom enough..."

Yesterday was a particularly frustrating day with Bebe. Admittedly, many days lately have been like yesterday. I know this is a transition time--school is ending and she's thinking about how she'll miss her friends and her teacher, camp is starting and she's excited about seeing old friends but at the same time worrying about how their friendship will have changed. Bebe doesn't do very well with transitions. Her anxiety kicks into high gear, she gets "overloaded" and her sensory issues become so much more acute, and everything just gets...difficult. More difficult than usual.

Last night I felt like things were going well, until bedtime rolled around. She received some books about Saints for her First Communion, and we settled in to read one of them. Well, on the cover were some pictures of the Saints and one guy had like 2 drops of blood on his forehead and one on his cheek. She freaked the heck out! Told me we couldn't read it, hiding under her covers, saying it was scary, it would give her nightmares, etc. And my reaction was, "OMG, seriously?!"

I confess, I wasn't nice. I could've handled it so much better than I did. I was mean. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and so tired of dealing with everything. Our days are so stressful--it feels like we "go to battle" over everything. The other night I cooked breaded chicken with no seasoning, and three bites into it she was gagging and insisting it was "spicy." SPICY! With no seasoning! She hates taking showers/baths now. She says she "doesn't like how it feels when she gets out." We've tried turning up the heat, warming towels, etc. She no longer wants to go to the beach because she hates when "sand gets in her stuff." Last night I said to her point-blank, "Aren't YOU tired of being this way??"

D and I have failed her so badly. We spend so much time saying, "Something's not right, we should get her counseling, we need to talk to her pediatrician, etc." and we do, but then we always drop the ball somewhere. We have yet to totally follow through. And we don't give her the time she needs, we don't have the energy to deal with all of this.

When it comes to Bebe, I really don't feel like I am "mom enough" at all. In fact, I often feel like she'd be better off with a different mom entirely.

Friday, June 1, 2012

7 Quick Takes ... Take 2!


— 1 —
I am on a mission to rid myself of frumpiness. This will not be an easy task, seeing as how 90% of my wardrobe is more "comfortable" than "cute." It all started on Saturday when, after a wedding, I changed into jeans and a t-shirt but left my "fancy earrings" in. That night, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, that looks sort of nice!" So I'm making an effort every day to do something "different" with my look. Yesterday that meant wearing a necklace, and shoes with my jeans instead of sneakers. Today that means dangly earrings (it's Casual Friday at work, so I didn't want to go TOO over the top). I'm hoping these added touches give a bit of a self confidence boost as time passes.
— 2 —
D and I have started house-hunting. We have been browsing the MLS for months upon months, and have talked about the "someday" when we will buy a home. Our lease is up in November and so that "someday" is approaching. While I know that, logistically, this is a good thing, it is accompanied by a lot of fear. I have commitment issues, it seems. The "sign on the dotted line for the next 30 years" is scary, as is the fact that this means we're staying put where we are for AT LEAST a few years. And where we are is 3000 miles away from my family and 6000 away from his. We have a realtor, we're working on getting a loan pre-approval, and we have a pretty good idea of what we want/are looking for. I'm excited to have a place of our own, though.
— 3 —
I realized last night that I haven't updated Bebe's journal since the day she turned 6. I keep a journal for each kid. They're nothing fancy at all--just blank books from Barnes & Noble. I wrote from time to time when pregnant, and then after they were born I wrote (and D writes to them, too). I make a point of writing on every birthday and half birthday. But since the birth of Dois, I've dropped the ball on Bebe's journal big-time. And I feel terrible for that. So I wrote last night, and D is planning on writing this weekend. Mommy guilt sucks.
— 4 —
Only one more week of school! I'm just as excited as Bebe is. Which is funny, seeing as how MY schedule will be no different in the summer, besides not having to battle her about homework nightly.
— 5 —
I've started praying the rosary on the way to work. This is big, because my prayer life is pretty much nonexistent. I just have been annoyed with the normal morning radio I listen to, and so I tried sitting in quiet... but I'm not good at that and my head gets all jumbled. So I figured I'd give prayer a shot. I'm not sure what to think of it yet, as it's only been a few days. In a way I feel like a robot just repeating words. Maybe that will change, though? I want to get a CD of the rosary to go along with in the car. Try that out. (CD recommendations are welcome! I'm archaic and don't have an iPod so iTunes are out.)
— 6 —
I worked out for 45 minutes at the gym last night…and then I cancelled our membership. Ironic, yes? Well, we still have a month left, but I cancelled it nonetheless. With D working all the time and Dois hating the childcare more than he hates anything else, it's just not happening. I get one workout a week, max, in... and that's not worth the $80/mo we're paying. So here's to hoping I can figure out a new exercise schedule around our chaos. I have a bike, our complex has a fitness center, we have a pool, and I COULD run (but I hate to).
— 7 —
We made our "summer bucket list" this past weekend, and checked something off of it on Monday.  I love our summer bucket list. Every year D and I make it, but this time we had Bebe join in on the planning. It's so much fun to pick something every weekend or two and then "check it off." We get to see new sights, experience new things, and have fun as a family doing so! What sort of adventures are on your "bucket list"? Ours include waterpark adventures, hiking trails, concerts outdoors, a baseball game, and more!

Want to see more Quick Takes? Head on over to Conversation Diary!