When Loving Them Isn't Enough (Part II)

On Saturday night I wanted to scurry to the computer and post a RAVING blog post about how well things were going. But then I sat and said, no, wait, give it time. ;)

On Friday while discussing the issues at hand with the kids, especially Julia, D and I came up with a course of action:

• Discuss with Bebe our concerns, and help her to be a part of the solution.
• Structure our Saturdays to meet everyone's needs.
• Whatever we do or say, follow through.

Saturday after lunch we talked about how everywhere you go there are rules. We discussed rules in different places. Then we talked about what rules there were in our house, and it was no surprise to us that Bebe said, "None?" Yep, there was our answer. Together she helped us brainstorm some rules, and this is what we came up with:

Most of these rules are positive, but those that begin with "NO" are ones we want to be especially careful about (hitting for Dois, complaining/whining and watching TV before being ready for Bebe).

After brainstorming those rules, we decided to follow what will be our new Saturday pattern:

• Bebe does 30 minutes of chores (whatever we give her to do: this weekend it involved sorting laundry, picking up the living room, and helping unload the dishwasher).
• Since she did 30 minutes of chores (therefore saving us 30 minutes of housework), she earns 30 minutes of one-on-one time with us while Dois is napping. We played Apples to Apples Jr. this week, but she can choose any activity we can do while he naps.
• After that hour of chores and 1-on-1 time, she has 45 minutes of quiet time. That's where she has to either rest or read or something. This weekend she used her 45 minutes of quiet time to start research for a school project.

When those time periods were up, Bebe and I went to Confession and when we came home, we took a walk with Dois. We spent over an hour walking and playing at the park. It was AWESOME! We came home, ate dinner, the kids took baths, etc. It seriously was THE PERFECT DAY.

Sunday went smoother than usual although the end was a bit harrowing due to bored, overtired children.

So far, so good, when it comes to enforcing and following the rules. Whining hasn't been eradicated, but it has lessened. One of the challenges we are still facing, though, is getting Bebe to bed on time and having to poke and prod her every morning to get moving. It's tough. :( Any suggestions for that one? We start waking her at 6:30-6:45 and need to leave by 7:40. It's always a struggle.

Little by little I'm confident we'll get there... 

When loving them isn't enough.

How can love not be enough? What happened to "love is all we need"?

I'm learning the hard way that love isn't enough. You can't just LOVE your children.

I LOVE my children. I really and truly do. I LOVE them. I CARE for them. I CHERISH them. But it isn't enough.

D and I have failed them. Dois is still young, so let's just say this--we've failed Bebe.

Now, how can I say that we've failed our 8-year-old? Is she smoking? Is she living in juvenile hall? Is she constantly being punished? Is she flunking out of school? No, she's not doing any of those things.

At the same time, she doesn't interact with her peers appropriately, she knows no boundaries when it comes to personal interactions, she expects the world to bow down to her beck and call, she is disrespectful to others, etc.

We've sat back so many times and said, "How did this happen? We've LOVED her. We've CARED for her. We've FED her. We've met her basic needs! How did this happen?"

We ignored Proverbs 22:6: "Train the young in the way they should go; even when old, they will not swerve from it." 

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." The saying goes. Are we heading for Hell? I don't know. But some days, especially on the weekends, it feels like hell.

Our house has no rules. Not a single one. There is no across-the-board rule that I can think of. Everything is tolerated. We say a lot of "don't do that" but do we enforce it? No. Enforcing takes more effort. We can't make the effort because we're too tired. We're too tired because we work full-time (and D works full-time and part-time), there's a home to care for, chores to be done, etc. Enforcing rules will be met with resistance and resistance is exhausting. Then when Bebe goes somewhere and someone tells her what to do, she disregards them. And we wonder why?

God entrusted us to be parents to our children and we are failing them. We don't beat them, we don't starve them, etc. but our parenting thus far can be just as damaging long-term.

I don't know where we're headed from here. We always say we'll try harder, we want to do better, etc. but it hasn't happened yet. "Better late than never" but what if it really does become never?

I'm so discouraged, and sad for our children. It's not their fault they are who they are, it's entirely ours.

(Part II coming later: The Plan)

When "whatever works" doesn't work.

Confession: Being a "whatever works mom" doesn't mean I'm totally laid-back. It doesn't make me chill and casual. I wish it did! When I say I'm a "whatever works mom" it's more like, I have no desire to parent my children identically. They're different, and different things work/don't work for them. So I go with whatever works.

But every now and then, I run into a situation where discovering what DOES work is a struggle. I'm at one of those crossroads right now: Dois is such a loving, snuggly child. He has always had an odd tendency toward aggression (as young as 14m if he was frustrated he would smack himself in the head repeatedly), and in the last month or two his aggression has gotten stronger. Granted, he's changed daycares and we moved--so there has been a lot of transition in his little life lately. But we need to get to the bottom of this, and we need to communicate to him that hitting is NOT okay.

"Hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts." The gentle parenting approach. I want to use it and I want it to work, but it doesn't. Such phrases are spoken and the hitting continues. It means nothing, no matter how often we repeat it.

Walking away from him or putting him down when he hits (after telling him not to hit) causes a tantrum of epic proportions. I have heard that if we keep doing this the tantrums will fade, but they haven't yet. And he bangs his head on the floor and shrieks and kicks and... I don't feel he's SAFE.

Time outs? How do people get their 2-year-olds to STAY in time out? No way is that happening here! I have tried it, but he just gets up and runs off. Then it's a game of chase-the-toddler.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. He's sweet and loving and I DO NOT think these are signs he will grow up to be a serial killer, but I'm scared that if I don't address these behaviors correctly and SOON that it's going to get even worse. And I can't imagine that. There's a lot of hostility in our house lately caused by the stress of his tantrums and aggressiveness.

I just want me sweet boy back.

Why we avoid artificial colors, flavors, and HFCS.

This is not a brag post, or an I'm-better-than-you-post, or a you-should-do-this-too post. This is a post to explain why we have come to avoid artificial colors, flavors, and HFCS for our children (and ALMOST entirely for ourselves).

Last night, if you saw yesterday's post, we went to a craft/Christmas party hosted by my coworker. I hadn't thought too far in advance to think about what sort of food would be offered. I knew we were ordering pizza but I thought that was it. WRONG.

Within 5 minutes of arriving, Bebe and Dois were offered a cookie covered in colored sugar and a juice box that contained HFCS. Bebe looked at me and begged and I said, "Oh, what the heck! You can have them for a treat!" She was SO excited.

When we'd entered my friend's house, Bebe was fearful of the 2 dogs there. To the point where she didn't want to come in. She finally did and I eventually got her to sit in a chair at the table (with her legs up) to participate.

15 minutes after her "treat", Bebe went to the bathroom. After a few minutes we heard her open the door and then immediately shut it. I wondered what was going on so I went and told her it was fine, there were no dogs out there, etc. She kept yelling at me through the door but with 14 other kids in the house, there was NO WAY I could hear her. Finally I got her to unlock the door, and she says, "there's a cat out there!" Now, I knew she was afraid of dogs--but cats?! I tried patiently to convince her to get OUT of the bathroom, and then I just lost my patience. I told her I was counting to 5 and if she didn't come out by 5 we were leaving as soon as she came out. I was just so mortified that she was acting this way in front of everyone.

She came out when I got to 5...and I had to pick her up on my hip like I do DS. Mind you, she's 8 and 60 or so pounds...

She eventually settled down, but the rest of the night was just horrible in terms of her behavior. Every time we asked her a question we had to repeat it 2-3 times before it would register and she would respond. When we were walking around "Candy Cane Lane" she COULD NOT follow directions. She was OFF THE WALL.

I hate seeing her this way. She has a hard enough time controlling herself when she's NOT ingesting such things. At the same time, it's really hard for her to accept that she can't eat everything other kids are. And since she's not allergic, she really doesn't get it. Telling her it doesn't make her feel good doesn't work, because she doesn't notice the difference like we do. We try our best to find suitable alternatives but sometimes there just AREN'T any. It's frustrating.

Tonight just reaffirmed why we do what we do for her, though.