Yesterday was a particularly frustrating day with Bebe. Admittedly, many days lately have been like yesterday. I know this is a transition time--school is ending and she's thinking about how she'll miss her friends and her teacher, camp is starting and she's excited about seeing old friends but at the same time worrying about how their friendship will have changed. Bebe doesn't do very well with transitions. Her anxiety kicks into high gear, she gets "overloaded" and her sensory issues become so much more acute, and everything just gets...difficult. More difficult than usual.
Last night I felt like things were going well, until bedtime rolled around. She received some books about Saints for her First Communion, and we settled in to read one of them. Well, on the cover were some pictures of the Saints and one guy had like 2 drops of blood on his forehead and one on his cheek. She freaked the heck out! Told me we couldn't read it, hiding under her covers, saying it was scary, it would give her nightmares, etc. And my reaction was, "OMG, seriously?!"
I confess, I wasn't nice. I could've handled it so much better than I did. I was mean. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and so tired of dealing with everything. Our days are so stressful--it feels like we "go to battle" over everything. The other night I cooked breaded chicken with no seasoning, and three bites into it she was gagging and insisting it was "spicy." SPICY! With no seasoning! She hates taking showers/baths now. She says she "doesn't like how it feels when she gets out." We've tried turning up the heat, warming towels, etc. She no longer wants to go to the beach because she hates when "sand gets in her stuff." Last night I said to her point-blank, "Aren't YOU tired of being this way??"
D and I have failed her so badly. We spend so much time saying, "Something's not right, we should get her counseling, we need to talk to her pediatrician, etc." and we do, but then we always drop the ball somewhere. We have yet to totally follow through. And we don't give her the time she needs, we don't have the energy to deal with all of this.
When it comes to Bebe, I really don't feel like I am "mom enough" at all. In fact, I often feel like she'd be better off with a different mom entirely.