I'm going to apologize in advance to any readers who read this and can figure out the conversation that sparked this post. If you were a part of it, please know I didn't write this in response to any one thing, but more because that post got the wheels turning in my head.
I would like to think that if I ever suddenly died, that one of the primary thoughts people would think about me is, "She was a very loving mother. She would do anything for her children." Because, honestly, I would. I love my children so much. Perhaps, some may think, a little too much. For me, they come first and foremost. And then after them comes my husband, my faith (yes I am working on moving that up the list), my home, my job, and maybe, just maybe, if there is anything left, THEN it's me.
The word "selfless" sounds too prideful. A person who is selfless is someone who puts everything and anything before themselves intentionally... but the thing is, you can't be selfless, if you don't truly believe in the core of you that there is a self. I think that's where my issue lies.
I can't say where the root of all of this is... perhaps it developed over time through my rocky childhood, struggles with bullying, failed relationships, etc. I don't put myself first--ever--because I am not confident in who I am. What is there to put first? (If that makes sense.)
I shower every few days. I last wore makeup at my wedding. I only wear dresses to weddings. I dress comfortably, not stylishly, 96% of the time. I don't work out at a gym or exercise at all. I don't eat insanely healthy or care about what I put into my body (besides what I'm allergic to, plus drugs and alcohol).
When I was in high school I went on a retreat where we got this little printout of a girl and the caption says, "I know that I'm SOMEBODY, because God don't make no junk!" Yes, I believe this... but my actions speak louder than my words and my actions say that I don't.
At the same time, I have no clue how I could possibly do all I do in life and also do more to take care of myself. For starters, the motivation isn't there. I can't say I WANT it, but I don't want to DO anything to get it (yes, much like a spoiled child). Secondly, I already feel maxxed to my limits. Stretched too thin. Every single minute accounted for in one way or another. Even finding time to pee is difficult. I know this isn't the way to live, but I don't know what else to do.
I think, honestly, this is why I struggle with my blog at times. Why am I writing? I'm a nobody. A nobody trying to be a somebody. A poser, if you may.
I want to be a mom, but I also want to be ME. The problem is, I'm going to be turning 33 in a little over a week and I still have no idea who ME is. I'm defined by my children, my husband, my job... strip it all away and what you have is a shell of a person.
You're not a nobody. You're Anne. You're a wife and a mother but you're also a writer, a Catholic, and a NaNoWriMo winner.
ReplyDeleteI'm also really bad when it comes to self care. I think it has to do with just the amount we're required to accomplish as women.
You definitely aren't a nobody. You're also a really good friend who is very much missed by this lady. *points to self*
ReplyDeleteI can be bad at self care too. I would look at some of my former coworkers and think "how do they do it??? Come to work every day in perfectly ironed clothing, makeup, hair done...." It was never anything over the top or outrageous, just clean, neat, polished. Meanwhile, there was me: running in late, hair in a messy ponytail, lucky if I put on moisturizer/sunscreen, old clothes that were ill-fitting and covered with cat hair. Oh I know why, I would say. It's because they don't have a house yet, they don't have a husband who is sick, they don't have animals. They don't know what it's like to have REAL responsibilities yet.
It wasn't that. It was that they made those things priorities, and I didn't. Some of the things I didn't care about--like the clothes. I knew I had weight to lose, so in my mind, it was silly to buy new stuff. If I wanted new clothes badly enough, maybe I needed to get off my fat butt and do something about it. But I could do my hair more. Mayyyybe put on a little makeup. Yes, even quickly at a red light, lol.
Now that I'm home, I have to remind myself that it is OK to put on "good" clothes even if I'm not going anywhere that day. Or that my hair doesn't need to stay in a ponytail just because I'm home. Sometimes I do it JUST for me, and I know that Chris notices when I've made a bit of an effort because he'll actually comment on it. (He's not one to be observant, ha)
Staying on the makeup topic for a second: If you don't like makeup, DON'T force yourself to wear it. That won't make you feel like yourself. If you want to try it out, start small and go slowly so it feels like it is becoming part of you. Same with anything else: hair, clothes, hobbies, learning a new language, whatever.
I felt similarly to you--that I was being stretched too thin and there wasn't any extra time to do anything else. Obviously our lives are not the same, but I know now that I was making excuses and wasting time on stupid stuff when there were ways to do what I wanted to do, I just wasn't using my time well.
Do you want to exercise or do you think you "should" because it's good and everyone else does it, etc etc? Maybe that's where you need to start--thinking about all of the things you want to do and then, think about the WHYs. If you can't think of good enough reasons why you need to find time to do something, move it to the bottom of your list. Focus on the things you really want to find time for. Again, start small and go slow.
As someone told me on a recent blog post of mine (and I'm paraphrasing here) "you can't do everything at once and you can't worry about things before they happen. Try to focus on the here and now and what you can do. Then everything else will work out."
You can do this. You are somebody.