Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Will 1+1=2 or 3??

When D and I first got married, we agreed that we wanted three children. We are both the middle children of three, so three just seemed "right" to us. Four would mean a bigger car, haha. Three you can still survive in a sedan. (We did!)

Then Bebe arrived 9.5 months after we were married. SURPRISE! And she was very high needs. Still is. D said NEVER AGAIN. People would say, "When are you going to have another?" and he would say, "When it's been long enough to forget." Me, I was crazy. When Bebe turned one I felt ready for another, even though I knew the timing wasn't right. It took years (obviously) for D to come around...

When we had Dois, we couldn't believe how EASY he was as a baby. He's still pretty mellow now, too.

So, two down, one to go... right?

Or maybe not.

I don't feel like our family is complete yet. As for D, I can't quite figure out what's going on with him. A few months ago we started practicing NFP. We never liked the idea of using artificial birth control, but the fear of having another child when we weren't ready was just too strong. We're currently avoiding pregnancy, but the whole point of NFP is that you're "open to life." So I felt like we were on the right path... until D made a comment the other day about how having another child right now would be "disastrous." It made me really mad, and I told him that. I told him having another child wasn't fatal, it wasn't something that would ruin our lives.... But his phrasing made me wonder if we're not on the same page entirely. Then, two nights ago, during another conversation, I can't even remember what I said but instantly he stonewalled and got upset, saying, "Why don't you just come out and say it?! You want another baby! All of this is because so-and-so is pregnant and just bought a house and you want those things!" My jaw dropped. Because our conversation was just simple, nothing-too-serious talking... and that felt like it came out of left field.

Last night I was going through pictures and found the most adorable video of Bebe and Dois together from a year ago. He's sitting on her lap and trying to kiss her and babbling and there's lots of laughing and sweetness involved. I left the video up on the computer to show her when she got home with D (I knew she'd love it), and as she was watching it she started saying, "Mommy, I want you to have another baby! Another boy baby! I want you to have another baby!" and then all the sudden I hear cabinets slamming and dishes being roughly handled in the background...

I know we get overwhelmed as parents. I know that our schedule and lifestyle sucks at the moment and it feels like we'll never catch a break. I know we're not where we wanted to be at this point. But a baby wouldn't kill us, either.

People marveled at my patience when it came to having baby #2. I wanted Dois so badly for so long, but I waited for D to get on board. I'll do it again this time, too. I just hope it doesn't take so long... I refuse to have one in 12th grade, one in 6th grade, and one in K someday....

(Edited to add: Yes, we have discussed D's fears and reasons for wanting to postpone a pregnancy at this time. While some things I agree with, others I don't. So I pray for him that his eyes will be opened just a little bit more.)

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